It’s that time of evening when to wind down from the stresses of the day, I resort to replying to my spam emails. I’ve had some absolute gems from Russian bride scammers this week. Hard to pick a favourite. So here’s just one for you:-
You provided me with your mail address on the site. Do you remember me? I’m giving you my photography. What is your opinion of me? Do you like my look? It’s so interesting for me to hear your opinion. I want to continue communicating only with you. I really liked you, I want to get to know you better. I wish to tell you some information about my life. My name is Nastya. I am 29 years old. I live in the country. I’m lonely. I didn’t have any relations with a man for a very long time. Sadly, my last relations were not successful. For this reason it is a big problem for me to begin building a new relations. I made a decision to surf the net to overcome my problem. I liked you very much and I decided to get to know you. I don’t know what will be the effect of this correspondence, but I am glad to consider you just as my friend at present. Do you agree? I look forward to your email. Tell me something about your life, please. I would be happy to see your latest pictures. Is it possible to do?
Your new friend, Nastya!
That’s an unfortunate name. Do you have sisters called Nasty and Nastiest or a brother called Nicer? I’m teasing, love. I’m teasing.
Once again my geriatric memory thwarts me. I provided you with my mail address ‘on the site’? Was this the Aled Jones Appreciation Society website? Or are we talking about the online support forum for people who let out a little bit of wee when they sneeze?
Thank you for ‘giving me your photography’. Do I just get this one photo? Or do you have a whole album of sour-faced personality-absent selfies?
Do I like your look. There’s a question. My mother always told me to say nothing if you can’t say anything nice, but I also believe a direct question deserves a direct answer. So I’ll try to put it gently. Nastya, dear, where the hell do you go shopping? What were you thinking? A woman of 29 has far more options than that Anne Harvey polyester blouse with the giant flowers. Or is it a dress? I can’t tell. I don’t really care. I haven’t seen anything quite that ugly since the Mamas and Papas won Eurovision. In terms of the rest of the look – well, you’re a pretty girl. But smile, Nastya! Smile! Not having had successful relations with a man for a long time and being lonely are no excuse for a face like a slapped arse OR that Anne Harvey top. Unless you’ve got teeth like furry yellow pegs of course. What’s dental care like in Russia? Actually your cheeks look a little swollen so perhaps you had an abcess on the day this picture was taken – which would explain the miserable trout chops and the lack of care when picking out a dress.
I’m sad to hear you are lonely. Instead of touting yourself on the internet like some Euro-strumpet, why don’t you just get out more? Most of the women who write to me from your country are into sport and going to the gym, playing netball in short skirts, getting sweaty. If you just sit at home in ugly dresses sulking about your rotten teeth and whining about your lack of boyfriend then I really don’t think you’ll get a husband this side of the grave.
But hey, yes, by all means consider me a friend. Most of the residents of your country seem to as I attract a great many female pen pals from your country. It makes me wonder what’s so bad with Russian men. Are their teeth even worse than yours?
You want to know something about my life? Hmm…OK. Well, I’m 68 have one boob longer than the other and all my own teeth. I enjoy zombie films, eating all the wrong things, and counting backwards from 2057. I’ve only had fungus twice in my life.
Here is my latest picture. I hope you like it.
Pleasantries and hoping you get over your gnasher-rot,
Professor Melania Anthrax