My first Russian Bride

Although I would love to get married, I didn’t, until today, consider the option of a mail order bride from Russia. But this morning I received such a sincere and compelling declaration of romantic intention from a Russian lady I’ve not yet even met, I can’t seem to stop myself from wanting to write back to her and see where it goes. Below is the letter she sent me, followed by my carefully considered reply to her fair self. *sigh*.

It’s entitled ‘From Darya’.

Hello I Dasha. My friend I looked your structure. It has very much liked me. I want To correspond with you letters. I wish to inform directly on myself: My name is Anna. I was born in the city of Samara, Russia. I here live since a birth. I was born in 1985. To me of 28 years. At me Brown eyes (beautiful.) I the blonde. I have no children, but I very much I wish to have the girl and the boy. I think, that children in live-this most Happy. I love various cultures. I like to study history, it to me Very much it is pleasant. I work as the bookkeeper in firm. Mine Work very much is pleasant to me. At leisure I like to visit Library to go to cinema, to watch TV, go in sports Hall. Most my hobby is fitness. I very much like to go in for sports, I Much I run in the mornings. I The formed woman, has left school on 4 and 5. Has then acted in University. Has finished it too well. Then I have gone to work. I studied as the bookkeeper. I know English language well enough. I think, that problems at us with dialogue will not be. I hope, that our dialogue will make sense. It would be fine, If I and you could do Friendship or more than simply friendship. I search Serious attitudes, and I shall be happy To study you more close. Will be It is fine, if we can exchange some letters and photos. Write to me what your purposes and plans during the future? That you search in To the woman? Inform more on a place Where do you live. I shall look forward to hearing from You.
Write back on e-mail: BudaonovaVeronika@*******.ru

Ask any questions which interest you. Write to me back, and I I shall inform more on me, my life. Also send my photos.
Kiss from Russia, Dariya

My reply:

Dearest Darya/Dariya/Dasha/Veronika/Anna,

It’s such a coincidence that you have five names and choose *me* to write to, as I also have several names. My parents call me Brian, but my name is actually Keith, which is short for Marjorie, but I’m often known as Sid. Although I’d prefer it if you just called me Dave for short.

I’m so glad you search serious attitudes. I very serious too. So serious that my face gets stuck in a grumpy cat expression. I also like go in sports hall. Mainly just to look other men sweating, but sometimes I allowed to clean the toilets. We must be twins, because I too find study history pleasant. My favourite pleasants from history are the Black Death, World War II, and the Irish Potato Famine. Which history bits you like best? Maybe if we get know each other good, we can dress up like historical costume and look each other on Skype? I like to see you dressed in Catherine the Great. Or her horse.

I glad you the formed woman. Unformed women are harder to cuddle. And leave mess on cinema seats. I like woman with cohesive structure, bones and things. Useful. Especially in kitchen and bedroom. And gym hall of course. Not mention library.

You want know where I live? It great! I have my own place. My parents still live here though they don’t take up much room in the big bed so still room for you when you come stay. My six illegitimate children also stay but they already excited you be their new mama. My eldest son, Fiona, especially excited as you have brown eyes (beautiful) and are the blonde. He say you sound like serious nice lady who we get know better (tits).

I think you right, we have great dialogue no problem. I speak Yoda too like you. Crap, your English is though, sorry.

How close you want study me? 2 inches away? If so, you may notice my scoriasis. But don’t worry, it not catch. Only pox catch. That not active now.

Well, I sign off now. Please send me a photo of your bottom and I will send you one of my hamster. We can get married as soon as you get a passport and visa. If you send me £500 I will buy you a wedding dress for your arrival at Heathrow.

Your serious English boyfriend,

Arthur Cystitis Fitzherbert the 3rd.

UPDATE:- I wrote this three years ago. She never wrote back:o(

 

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